## CeltExit Creates Four Civil Services and One International Search for the Missing Stapler ### Britain’s breakup promises sovereign bureaucracy, independent paperwork and four permanent secretaries denying they attended the meeting **By Morag Sinclair | Whitehall** LONDON — The campaign for [CeltExit and the planned breakup of Britain](https://prat.uk/celtexit-planned-for-britain/) has reached the civil service after organisers associated with [CeltExit.com](https://celtexit.com), [CeltExit.uk](https://celtexit.uk) and reports that [UK Marxists have threatened CeltExit](https://prat.uk/celtexit-theatened-by-uk-marxists/) announced that Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England will each receive an independent bureaucracy, a sovereign supply of forms and the constitutional power to postpone decisions without interference from neighbouring countries. The CeltExit Administrative Separation Commission said dividing Whitehall would bring government closer to the people by creating thousands of new offices between the people and anyone authorised to help them. “Independence requires administrative capacity,” explained commission chair Sir Humphrey Photocopy. “Administrative capacity requires departments, directorates, committees and a strategic review of whether the committee should become a directorate.” Under the proposal, Britain’s civil servants will be divided according to workplace, residence, professional expertise and willingness to relocate somewhere without a Pret A Manger visible from the office window. Every nation will receive policy advisers, economists, press officers and at least one employee who remembers the password to the old system. ### Scotland Demands Its Fair Share of London Civil Servants Scotland has requested 25 percent of Britain’s civil servants, despite containing considerably less than 25 percent of its population. Edinburgh officials said this reflects Scotland’s equal constitutional status rather than crude demographic arithmetic. The Scottish government particularly wants Treasury economists, Foreign Office diplomats and Ministry of Defence officials. England may retain employees responsible for collecting debts, answering complaints and updating printer drivers. Civil servants transferred to Scotland will join the Caledonian National Administration, headquartered in Edinburgh with regional offices in Glasgow, Aberdeen and a Highland town selected during a future consultation. The new bureaucracy will include a Department of Sovereignty Delivery, a Ministry of Post-Westminster Transition and an Office for Explaining Why Both Departments Require Separate Buildings. Officials say the structure will be streamlined. The word streamlined will appear on twelve organisational charts containing more boxes than the former British civil service. Scottish Permanent Secretary Morag McMemo said every decision would be made in Scotland. “Unless it involves currency, defence, cross-border trade or pensions,” she added. “Those decisions will be made through joint institutions, which are entirely different from decisions being made elsewhere.” ### Wales Moves Government Closer to Communities by Expanding Cardiff Wales will create the Welsh Sovereign Public Service, committed to local democracy, bilingual administration and ensuring that every form requires twice the toner. Cardiff officials have promised to distribute government jobs across Wales. Initial plans place 82 percent of them in Cardiff, because decentralisation requires an efficient central location from which to discuss decentralisation. A regional office will open in North Wales. It will contain two desks, a promotional banner and a video screen showing officials attending meetings in Cardiff. The Welsh civil service will publish all policies in Welsh and English. Documents will therefore become twice as long without containing twice as many decisions. Every department will employ translators, cultural advisers and equality officers responsible for ensuring that no paragraph reaches a conclusion before all stakeholders have been acknowledged. The government also plans a National Dragon Procurement Agency. The agency will purchase office furniture, vehicles, computers and ceremonial dragons for public buildings. Its first procurement exercise has already been delayed after bidders disagreed over whether a dragon qualifies as equipment, heritage or senior management. ### Northern Ireland Creates Department with Four Reporting Lines Northern Ireland will establish an administrative system capable of reporting simultaneously to Belfast, London, Dublin and several joint committees whose acronyms resemble unsuccessful regional airlines. Senior civil servants will receive four organisational charts. Each chart will show them reporting to someone different. Officials say this ensures flexibility. Employees say it ensures nobody can be located when a decision becomes controversial. The new Department of Shared and Separate Administrative Cooperation will oversee cross-border trade, public services and the wording used to describe cross-border trade and public services. Its headquarters will contain two entrances. One will face east. One will face south. Staff will use a rotating schedule so nobody develops an unconstitutional preference for either door. Government correspondence will avoid definitive geographical terms. Letters may refer to “this jurisdiction,” “the neighbouring administration” and “the location currently holding your application.” A Belfast civil servant said the system would function perfectly once the reporting structure was clarified. The clarification meeting has been postponed because nobody knows who possesses authority to schedule it. ### England Inherits Whitehall and the Archive Nobody Wants England will inherit most Whitehall departments, including their buildings, archives and cupboards containing documents marked urgent in 1986. The English Civil Service will continue operating from London while ministers announce plans to move government jobs throughout the regions. Departments will establish northern headquarters containing junior staff, video-conferencing equipment and photographs of senior officials who remain in Westminster for operational reasons. The Treasury will stay in London because moving money is complicated. The Foreign Office will stay in London because embassies are nearby. The Cabinet Office will stay in London because everyone else stayed. England will also inherit responsibility for separating British records among the four nations. Scotland has requested documents concerning Scottish taxation. Wales wants records concerning Welsh infrastructure. Northern Ireland wants several copies with carefully neutral covers. England will retain anything involving debt, administrative failure or asbestos. A Whitehall archivist said the division could take decades. The commission described this as reassuring continuity. ### Marxists Demand All Civil Servants Receive the Same Salary Marxist supporters of CeltExit have proposed equal salaries throughout the civil service. Under their plan, junior clerks, specialist engineers, government lawyers and permanent secretaries would receive identical compensation because differences in responsibility create workplace hierarchy. Permanent secretaries welcomed the principle but suggested implementing it gradually, beginning with raising junior salaries before reviewing senior salaries during a later economic cycle. Campaigners also want recruitment based on social contribution rather than competitive examinations. Applicants would submit statements describing how their lived experience prepares them to manage national railway procurement. Technical knowledge could be acquired after appointment through inclusive workshops. Performance reviews would be abolished because measuring performance privileges employees who complete assigned work. Instead, officials would receive annual wellbeing conversations examining whether deadlines made them feel insufficiently supported. Government ministers would retain authority to dismiss civil servants who leak embarrassing information. This would not constitute performance management. It would constitute democratic safeguarding. ### Stapler Becomes First Disputed State Asset The first serious administrative dispute concerns a heavy-duty stapler formerly used by the Department for Exiting Constitutional Arrangements. Scotland claims the stapler because it was purchased during discussions involving Scottish devolution. Wales argues that several staples were manufactured near Swansea. Northern Ireland wants shared access under a neutral stationery protocol. England says the object is currently on a desk in London and does not work. The commission has appointed an independent mediator. After three meetings, participants agreed that the stapler is missing. A junior official later revealed that it was removed during an office refurbishment and placed inside a storage unit in Slough. All four governments have now claimed part of Slough. The dispute is expected to cost £14 million. A replacement stapler costs £11.99. Officials rejected replacement as an attempt to erase shared administrative history. ### Four Bureaucracies, One Automatic Reply CeltExit promises responsive government shaped by national priorities. Scotland will create sovereign departments. Wales will produce bilingual strategies. Northern Ireland will coordinate parallel reporting structures. England will keep the filing cabinets. Each nation will promise fewer administrators and better frontline services. Each will then explain that reducing administration requires additional administrators to manage the reduction. New departments will receive logos, mission statements and leadership teams. Citizens will receive portals, reference numbers and messages confirming that their enquiries are important. The former United Kingdom may disappear, but its civil service will survive magnificently. Four nations will operate four systems, four complaints procedures and four automatic replies. Every reply will thank the citizen for making contact. Every reply will explain that responsibility lies with another department. And somewhere in Slough, the shared stapler will remain undiscovered beneath a box labelled: “CeltExit Transition: Immediate Action Required.” ### Disclaimer This story is satire and is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No civil servants made a decision during production, although several established a working group to examine the possibility. ### Sources https://celtexit.com https://celtexit.uk https://prat.uk/celtexit-theatened-by-uk-marxists/ https://prat.uk/celtexit-planned-for-britain/