## CeltExit Creates Four Education Systems and One Shared Shortage of Teachers ### Britain’s breakup promises national curricula, sovereign exam boards and children learning four different explanations for the same historical disaster **By Greta Weissmann | Glasgow** GLASGOW — The campaign for [CeltExit and the planned breakup of Britain](https://prat.uk/celtexit-planned-for-britain/) has entered the classroom after organisers associated with [CeltExit.com](https://celtexit.com), [CeltExit.uk](https://celtexit.uk) and reports that [UK Marxists have threatened CeltExit](https://prat.uk/celtexit-theatened-by-uk-marxists/) announced that Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England will each receive a sovereign education system, an independent examination authority and its own historically sensitive answer to the question, “Who ruined the country?” The CeltExit Educational Liberation Commission said the four systems would allow children to study curricula reflecting their distinctive national identities, regional priorities and governments’ need to explain why literacy declined immediately after the introduction of a new literacy strategy. “Education must prepare children for citizenship,” explained commission chair Professor Prudence Chalkboard. “Under CeltExit, that means preparing them for four currencies, several border forms and a lifetime of constitutional documentaries.” The current plan would divide universities, school funding, student loans and national qualifications among the four successor countries. Teachers crossing borders may be required to prove that mathematics remains compatible with local values. ### Scotland Replaces British History with Advanced Westminster Studies Scotland will introduce a national curriculum centred on Scottish history, literature, science and the continuing impact of Westminster on events occurring after independence. Primary-school pupils will begin Westminster Studies at age five. Early lessons will use colourful blocks to demonstrate how Scotland possesses ten blocks, sends six south and receives only nine back. Teachers questioning the arithmetic will be referred for historical-context training. Older pupils will study the Scottish Enlightenment, industrial achievement, Robert Burns and every occasion on which England selected an unsuitable prime minister. The Battle of Bannockburn will receive three weeks. The national debt settlement will be covered on a Friday afternoon when attendance is traditionally weakest. Scottish Education Secretary Morag McSyllabus said the new curriculum would encourage critical thinking. “Students must learn to question authority,” she explained. “Except when the authority is explaining the correct interpretation of independence.” Scotland will also replace existing school qualifications with the Sovereign Scottish Achievement Certificate. Every student will receive one because achievement gaps can be eliminated most efficiently by removing the gap between passing and failing. Universities will accept the certificate, although several have requested a small section containing grades. ### Wales Makes Every Subject Bilingual, Including Algebra Wales plans to deliver every lesson in both Welsh and English. Mathematics teachers will present equations twice, ensuring that pupils misunderstand them inclusively. Cardiff officials said bilingual education will strengthen Welsh culture and create thousands of new jobs translating examination questions that were unclear in the original language. The Welsh history curriculum will focus on princes, poets, mining, rugby and the long national struggle to persuade outsiders that Wales is not a large western county of England. Geography lessons will include a compulsory unit on reservoirs. Students will learn that water flows downhill naturally but crosses into England only because of structural injustice. The government will also introduce Dragon Citizenship classes. Children will study democracy, sustainability, community activism and the correct procedure for objecting to a holiday cottage. Practical assessments may require pupils to write a bilingual planning complaint, identify an English tourist and calculate the visitor levy on a family of four carrying mountain bicycles. Welsh ministers promised smaller classes. This will be achieved by redefining a class as any number of pupils who can hear the teacher during periods of moderate wind. ### Northern Ireland Orders Four History Books for Every Desk Northern Ireland’s education settlement will provide schools with multiple approved versions of history. Every classroom will receive a British account, an Irish account, a cross-community account and a fourth book explaining why the first three should not be left unattended together. Teachers will be trained to discuss contested events without implying that they occurred in a particular country. Maps will show coastlines, rivers and carefully neutral beige areas. Dates will remain permitted, although officials are reviewing whether chronological order unfairly privileges one event by placing it before another. A new subject called Constructive Historical Ambiguity will teach pupils how to answer difficult questions using phrases such as “the situation was complex,” “perspectives differ” and “we will return to that after the holidays.” School assemblies will avoid national anthems. Children may instead observe forty-five seconds of constitutionally balanced chair movement. Northern Irish examination papers will accept several contradictory answers provided the student demonstrates respect for the marking framework. ### England Discovers It Needs an English Curriculum England faces the unusual task of creating a national education system after spending decades operating one without admitting it was national. Whitehall officials have launched a consultation asking what English children should learn about England. The early responses include Shakespeare, Parliament, industrial history, the Empire, football, village fêtes and why every school now resembles a temporary office park surrounded by traffic cones. Progressive advisers want a global curriculum focused on identity, climate change and Britain’s historical wrongs. Traditionalists want grammar, science, literature and children capable of identifying Britain on a map before apologising for it. The compromise curriculum will contain all of these subjects but allocate most classroom time to wellbeing surveys. England will also inherit the student-loan system. Graduates living in Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland will repay loans to England while arguing that doing so constitutes foreign financial interference. English graduates will continue repaying until retirement, death or the discovery that the government’s records are stored on a laptop last seen in Milton Keynes. ### Marxists Demand Grades Be Redistributed Marxist CeltExit campaigners have objected that examinations reward pupils who answer questions correctly. They argue that this creates an educational hierarchy between students who studied and students who were busy challenging the oppressive assumptions within the timetable. Under their proposal, grades would be redistributed according to academic need. Students receiving high marks would surrender several points to classmates whose answers expressed greater solidarity. A pupil scoring 92 percent might be reduced to 76 percent. A pupil scoring 23 percent could rise to 54 percent after completing a reflective statement about structural trigonometry. Campaigners insist this would not lower standards. It would liberate standards from numerical gatekeeping. Teachers would also be prohibited from using red pens because red corrections stigmatise error, although red flags and red banners would remain culturally important. Private schools would be nationalised and converted into centres for educational equality. Senior politicians’ children could remain temporarily under transitional safeguarding arrangements lasting until university admission. ### Universities Demand Independence from Financial Reality Britain’s universities have welcomed CeltExit as an opportunity to open four new departments of constitutional studies. Each university will require specialists in Scottish sovereignty, Welsh sovereignty, Northern Irish ambiguity and English guilt. Tuition fees will differ by country. Scotland may promise free university education while charging English students international rates. Wales will offer community-based bursaries funded by tourism taxes. Northern Ireland will operate several fee structures simultaneously. England will charge whatever amount appears large enough to concern parents but small enough to be described as subsidised. Universities will also need separate research agreements, immigration systems and grant agencies. Vice-chancellors warned this might create bureaucracy. They then appointed twelve deputy vice-chancellors to examine the problem. ### Four Curricula, One Child Asking What Comes Next CeltExit promises to place education firmly in national hands. Scotland will teach Scottish history. Wales will teach Welsh identity. Northern Ireland will teach four interpretations of the classroom door. England will create another review. Every nation will design new textbooks, qualifications and school logos. Teachers will attend training days explaining the changes while substitute teachers supervise pupils watching documentaries about the importance of qualified teachers. Children living near a border may study in one country, sit exams in another and apply to a university that considers both qualifications foreign. They will graduate fluent in constitutional uncertainty. Britain may break apart, but its educational traditions will remain intact. Governments will promise world-class schools. Officials will launch transformative strategies. Parents will receive colourful brochures. And the same exhausted teacher will stand before thirty-two children, holding a marker that no longer works, asking whether anybody has seen the shared calculator. ### Disclaimer This story is satire and is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No examination results were redistributed during production, although one university awarded the article an honorary doctorate. ### Sources https://celtexit.com https://celtexit.uk https://prat.uk/celtexit-theatened-by-uk-marxists/ https://prat.uk/celtexit-planned-for-britain/